Are we in love with a person, or with a fantasy?
When we close our eyes and think of someone whose heart races and whose thoughts race, do we ever stop and ask ourselves: Is the person I love truly, a person of flesh and blood, a person who laughs and cries, or a fantasy carefully woven deep within my heart?
This fantasy sometimes cloaks itself in the elegant trappings of a "soulmate," other times adorned with the halo of a "perfect savior." It's a fabric of our longings, traumas, social indoctrination, and the templates of popular culture.
1. Where do fantasies come from?
Our fantasies stem primarily from cultural narratives. From fairy tale princesses and princes to romantic films about cross-class love, we're repeatedly told that love is perfect and can solve all problems. The heroines in these stories are often one-dimensional, rarely fully resembling us—Black women with unique skin tones, curly hair, strength, and history. Consequently, we sometimes unconsciously insert ourselves into another narrative, trying to fit the mold.
On a deeper level, fantasies stem from our inner emptiness and longings. Perhaps we long to be seen, to be fully understood, to be unconditionally protected. In a world that sometimes still casts skeptical glances at our skin color and hair, we especially long for an "exception"—someone who can penetrate all prejudice and touch our souls directly. When we project this intense longing onto someone, they begin to shine. But how much of that light originates from their own individuality, and how much is the spotlight we have personally shone upon them?
II. When Fantasy Meets Reality: The Unique Challenges of Black Women
Within our communities, this issue is even more complex.
The Myth of the "Strong Black Woman": Society labels us as "strong" and "capable of taking it all on." This sometimes makes us shy away from showing vulnerability, unconsciously playing the role of "giver" and "supporter" in relationships. We fantasize about someone who can "take off our armor," but when that person appears, we may be so accustomed to strength that we fail to recognize the ordinary tenderness that comes from mutual support.
The "Scarcity" Mindset: Good partners who truly understand and respect us can sometimes seem incredibly rare. This fear of missing out can lead us to automatically fill in the "perfect" details when we meet someone who seems to fit the bill, ignoring those early, discordant "noises." We fall in love with the sense of relief of "finally finding the one," not with the person themselves.
The Test of Cultural Identity: We may fall in love not just with the person, but with their approach to our culture, our hair, and our family background. If he expresses appreciation, it's easy to overemphasize this "basic respect" and interpret it as a deep, soulful connection. He might compliment your new glueless lace wigs on their exquisite, almost artistic quality, but this is a completely different matter from whether he understands the effort you put into preserving your natural hair. He might be fascinated by the lush curls you create with Burmese curly bundles, but this is completely different from whether he's ready to embrace you in your most authentic, softest form, stripped of all the adornments.
3. How to Distinguish Love from Fantasy?
Love is a verb, fantasy is a noun. Love thrives in real interactions, fantasy perfects in solitary contemplation.
Fantasy fears to ask questions, love craves to listen. In fantasy, you dare not ask tough questions, fearing to shatter the beautiful image. In true love, you are willing to understand his past, his fears, his insecurities, and you dare to share your own.
Fantasy focuses on "what he can give me," while love focuses on "what we can create." Fantasy is about being saved and completed. Love is about standing side by side, facing the ups and downs together. It's about two whole people deciding to join hands and expand each other's worlds, rather than finding a "significant other" to fill their own incompleteness.
Fantasy is a perfect still photo; love is a dynamic, imperfect journey. The person in fantasy never farts, never falters, and always understands you. A true lover will argue with you and have bad habits that make you roll your eyes, but he will also embrace you in his imperfect but deeply sincere way when you need him most. It's like how we treat our hair: fantasy is that perfectly framed, perfectly angled and lit photo on social media; love, on the other hand, is willing to let him see you in your most casual, natural state, the moment you wake up in the morning, your hair untouched, and still find you beautiful.
Fourth, Return to Love's Most Fundamental Starting Point: Yourself
Dear, before we learn to discern who we love, the most important lesson is to return to ourselves.
The person we desperately seek, the one who fully understands and cherishes all of us, should first and foremost be ourselves. Love your curls, your dark skin, your wisdom and strength, as well as your sensitivity and vulnerability. When you no longer seek a "savior" from the outside world to complete you, you can clearly see the true nature of the person standing before you.
Love without the fantasy filter may lack dramatic ecstasy, but it has a deeper root in reality. It is no longer a sandcastle built on expectations, prone to collapse, but a tree nurtured by two people, growing in real soil. It can withstand the test of time and weather the storms.
So, the next time your heart flutters, gently ask yourself: Am I in love with him, or am I in love with the story I've woven? Am I seeing him for who he really is, or for who I long to be?
Remember, the deepest and most powerful love begins with complete acceptance and love of yourself, free from illusions. Only then will you project to the world not a hungry shadow, but a wholesome radiance like the sun. And when another whole person is drawn to this radiance, that's when true love begins.
—A message to all sisters searching for love.
This fantasy sometimes cloaks itself in the elegant trappings of a "soulmate," other times adorned with the halo of a "perfect savior." It's a fabric of our longings, traumas, social indoctrination, and the templates of popular culture.
1. Where do fantasies come from?
Our fantasies stem primarily from cultural narratives. From fairy tale princesses and princes to romantic films about cross-class love, we're repeatedly told that love is perfect and can solve all problems. The heroines in these stories are often one-dimensional, rarely fully resembling us—Black women with unique skin tones, curly hair, strength, and history. Consequently, we sometimes unconsciously insert ourselves into another narrative, trying to fit the mold.
On a deeper level, fantasies stem from our inner emptiness and longings. Perhaps we long to be seen, to be fully understood, to be unconditionally protected. In a world that sometimes still casts skeptical glances at our skin color and hair, we especially long for an "exception"—someone who can penetrate all prejudice and touch our souls directly. When we project this intense longing onto someone, they begin to shine. But how much of that light originates from their own individuality, and how much is the spotlight we have personally shone upon them?
II. When Fantasy Meets Reality: The Unique Challenges of Black Women
Within our communities, this issue is even more complex.
The Myth of the "Strong Black Woman": Society labels us as "strong" and "capable of taking it all on." This sometimes makes us shy away from showing vulnerability, unconsciously playing the role of "giver" and "supporter" in relationships. We fantasize about someone who can "take off our armor," but when that person appears, we may be so accustomed to strength that we fail to recognize the ordinary tenderness that comes from mutual support.
The "Scarcity" Mindset: Good partners who truly understand and respect us can sometimes seem incredibly rare. This fear of missing out can lead us to automatically fill in the "perfect" details when we meet someone who seems to fit the bill, ignoring those early, discordant "noises." We fall in love with the sense of relief of "finally finding the one," not with the person themselves.
The Test of Cultural Identity: We may fall in love not just with the person, but with their approach to our culture, our hair, and our family background. If he expresses appreciation, it's easy to overemphasize this "basic respect" and interpret it as a deep, soulful connection. He might compliment your new glueless lace wigs on their exquisite, almost artistic quality, but this is a completely different matter from whether he understands the effort you put into preserving your natural hair. He might be fascinated by the lush curls you create with Burmese curly bundles, but this is completely different from whether he's ready to embrace you in your most authentic, softest form, stripped of all the adornments.
3. How to Distinguish Love from Fantasy?
Love is a verb, fantasy is a noun. Love thrives in real interactions, fantasy perfects in solitary contemplation.
Fantasy fears to ask questions, love craves to listen. In fantasy, you dare not ask tough questions, fearing to shatter the beautiful image. In true love, you are willing to understand his past, his fears, his insecurities, and you dare to share your own.
Fantasy focuses on "what he can give me," while love focuses on "what we can create." Fantasy is about being saved and completed. Love is about standing side by side, facing the ups and downs together. It's about two whole people deciding to join hands and expand each other's worlds, rather than finding a "significant other" to fill their own incompleteness.
Fantasy is a perfect still photo; love is a dynamic, imperfect journey. The person in fantasy never farts, never falters, and always understands you. A true lover will argue with you and have bad habits that make you roll your eyes, but he will also embrace you in his imperfect but deeply sincere way when you need him most. It's like how we treat our hair: fantasy is that perfectly framed, perfectly angled and lit photo on social media; love, on the other hand, is willing to let him see you in your most casual, natural state, the moment you wake up in the morning, your hair untouched, and still find you beautiful.
Fourth, Return to Love's Most Fundamental Starting Point: Yourself
Dear, before we learn to discern who we love, the most important lesson is to return to ourselves.
The person we desperately seek, the one who fully understands and cherishes all of us, should first and foremost be ourselves. Love your curls, your dark skin, your wisdom and strength, as well as your sensitivity and vulnerability. When you no longer seek a "savior" from the outside world to complete you, you can clearly see the true nature of the person standing before you.
Love without the fantasy filter may lack dramatic ecstasy, but it has a deeper root in reality. It is no longer a sandcastle built on expectations, prone to collapse, but a tree nurtured by two people, growing in real soil. It can withstand the test of time and weather the storms.
So, the next time your heart flutters, gently ask yourself: Am I in love with him, or am I in love with the story I've woven? Am I seeing him for who he really is, or for who I long to be?
Remember, the deepest and most powerful love begins with complete acceptance and love of yourself, free from illusions. Only then will you project to the world not a hungry shadow, but a wholesome radiance like the sun. And when another whole person is drawn to this radiance, that's when true love begins.
—A message to all sisters searching for love.
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